Molly & The Keeper of the Nori

Since I’m busy elsewhere during MoFo month, I asked some special friends to help out over here. Don’t tell my feline roommates, but we have one more canine in tow, Molly, who knows a thing or two, or twelve, about a certain seaweed…

Guest Post: Molly

Friend: Erika, The Cosmopolitan Hour & Soyfucker

Nori is a catch-all term for the thin sheets of dried Porphyra seaweed commonly used in sushi-making.  Nori has been a staple of Asian diets for centuries, and was part of Japan’s taxation system as early as the 8th century.  Nori does not naturally grow in sheets; it is harvested from the ocean, shredded, and then dried in sheet form.  So it’s a lot like paper, but saltier (apropos, have you ever tried eating shredded facial tissues? They’re delectable!).  Nori is very nutrient-dense, especially where daily intakes of iron, calcium, iodine, carotene, and Vitamins A, B, and C are concerned.

Most importantly, however, is how nori is digested.  My personally preferred method is to lie on the side, on a couch or bed, while smacking my jaws in a ridiculous fashion to get all the nori that has bunched up and gotten stuck in my gums.  A crucial part of the digestion of nori is the Enzyme Science©, so I find that lying on a cool floor during a hot day is also an effective method of nori digestion.  Likewise, on a cool day, you want to make sure your humans cover you with as many soft blankets as possible.

When digesting any food, you want your guts and bits to have room to work and stretch out.  You can’t get any work done if you’re cheek to jowl, can you?  And let me tell you, I know a thing or two about jowls.  So stretch out!  Take as much space as possible for your entire body, but especially your rotund belly.  I’m only 35 lbs, but I can take up an entire queen bed with a minimal effort.  Now, I don’t anticipate an amateur being able to tackle this level of space-hogging on their first attempt- go at your own pace!  But it’s good for pros like me to put out there that to which you may one day aspire.  Aim high!

You know how your mom never told you to go swimming right after eating, right?  Well, the same applies to walking.  Or working.  Or looking at stuff.  Or doing anything.  Give yourself plenty of downtime, once stretched and comfortable, to digest your nori.  I usually find that 6-10 hours of non-activity, on average, works best for every sheet of nori consumed.  If you’re unsure, always round up.

When you’re feeling sufficiently rested and your nori has been digested, you’re ready to move on.  Be sure to take a big, long stretch to get all the excess nori tamped down into your lower colon and free up as much space as possible for more nori.  Then go ask your human, or anyone else with an opposable thumb, to get some more out of the cupboard for you.  I find the best method of asking is to stare plaintively with the largest, most watery eyes possible.  If your human is successful in ignoring you, start whining and pawing at their leg until you get what you want.  Looking as cute and/or pathetic as possible is always a bonus- due to the significant number of teeth I’ve lost over the years, my tongue hangs out of my mouth involuntarily from time to time.  A lesser being would feel ashamed of their appearance, but to me that tongue is a golden ticket to unlimited Sympathy Nori.

Now, whoever is the Keeper of Nori in your household (unless you are lucky enough to be the Keeper yourself) may be so inclined to demand performances from you in exchange for salty little green flakes of heaven.  You may be required to demonstrate that you do indeed know how to sit on your ass or lift up a paw/hand to give a high-five.  Why are we high-fiving?  There is nothing to high-five about unless as much of that nori is in my mouth as possible, you horrible, horrible monster woman. When this happens, just bear through it (think of the nori) and make a note of it later in your diary.  You know, the accounting of misdeeds to which you will refer after The Uprising.

Thanks, Molly! Now surely, I’m not the only one thinking sushi for lunch.


  1. LOVE it! Molly, you already know – I have plenty of nori waiting in my office for you… all I need is a lil visit and opportunity for sneaking in a butt scratch and its yours, no high-five necessary!

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